Article on the renaissance of Vogon Poetry by Robbie Lunt

Poetry Corner with this months’ guest Robbie

It’s become a most amazing renaissance. Contests abound. Are we ready for the resurgence of Vogon poetry?

All the top literary  magazines have been aglow with verbose and opulent praise for the reclaiming of this ancient art. Truly, great publications such as Poets and Writers, Writer’s Digest, Hard Hat News, Modern Materials Handling, and, of course, Highlights for Children have reported on the burgeoning new trend. It follows in the footsteps of some of our most beloved art movements – the grotesques on medievalcathedrals, the geek and freak show at the traveling circus, 70’s performance art and perhaps it’s most akin to our current political follies.

For those not completely familiar with this form perhaps this is the best description:

“Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe.

The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem “Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning” four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been “disappointed” by the poem’s reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled “My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles” when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.
The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paul Neil Milne Johnstone of Redbridge, in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.”

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

This might be the art that returns the pursuit of the intellect to the forefront. May I even say, a bridge between the great gulf of political beliefs that are so prevalent today? The fact you can combine the sublime with the horrific is truly what art is all about.

Even I have been enchanted by the pestilentrepulsiveness of these poems though I am more drawn by the fawnish devotion to bureaucracy that is exhibited by the Vogons themselves. If they were the workforce of our government, things would be much more efficient. Like Oompa Loompas without the flashy distractions and silly songs.

My meager attempt for your discerning taste:

Bureaucracy is goodly, It keeps us in thrall
Love the department of Redundancy
Duplicate, Triplicate, Collate it all!
Paperwork, paperwork
Till we’ve killed the last tree.

Not quite as odiously torturous as I would like but I think it’s a righteous ode to the spirit of the thing.

I would show everyone the first Vogon poetry reading except it was a BBC Radio broadcast. I can however show you the first Vogon to human poetry recitation to be caught on live video:

Waterboarding and Vogon Poetry, a match made in someone’s version of heaven. Definitely an interrogators’ dream!

I love when a Month starts with a day dedicated to the fool!

A quick follow-up to last months foray into cultural appropriation. How could I forget the most important part of Americas journey with cultural appropriation. Yes, the constitution itself. While I guess the adoption of parts of the Magna Charta are okay, we were English colonies, the fact that a huge inspiration was the Iroquois confederation is Cultural appropriation of colossal proportion.

(I am proud to say that Robbie is my nephew)

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